How to Behave When Taking a Cab Ride

by Joe Schlockenblock
22/Nov/2002

Every welfare recipient knows about the joy experienced during cheque-week (the week at the end of each month when welfare recipients get paid). It is often said the first thing the stereotypical welfare recipient does when receiving their pay is to call a cab followed by the following sequence of activities:

1. Proceed to the nearest cheque cashing outlet (in Hamilton, Ontario that would be Money Mart, "Cheque In, Cash Out"). Well, would you look at that (as the old Bank of Montreal ad used to go when automated tellers first came into use.)
2. Next, go to the nearest convenience store to purchase cigarettes.
3. If necessary, go to the pawn shop to get your stereo back.
4. A trip to the beer store for a couple of two-fours and then,
5. Head to the liquor store for a couple of bottles.
6. If necessary, visit a grocery store and get some hot dogs, tomato soup and bananas
7. Go home for supper. Eating at home is cheaper than picking up a pizza. Consider the enormous value in a diet of bananas.
8. Call another cab and go to the Bingo hall.

You will observe that the taxicab is an important means of transportation for the welfare recipient. This makes sense because most people on welfare spend so much money on booze and bingo that there isn't enough left over to purchase a motor vehicle. Cab drivers love welfare cheque week because they make most of their money at this time.

I have included below some tips on how to establish and maintain a proper relationship between cab driver and welfare recipient, the aim of which is to ensure the welfare recipient obtains the highest level of service and respect. Remember, the welfare recipient is the customer and the customer is always right.

The establishment of this hierarchy begins before you even enter the cab. Never, and I stress this point, NEVER be ready when the cab arrives at your door. This would imply that you recognize the value of the driver's time. Let the driver know how valuable your time is instead (After all, if you didn't value your time you wouldn't call a cab in the first place, right?) The longer you make the driver wait the more salient your point will be. If the driver starts the meter before you get in the cab refuse to take the cab. Insist that all you have to pay for is the ride itself, not the driver's time.

The most important thing for the welfare recipient to do upon entering a taxicab is to establish who is boss. The cab driver must be made fully aware of his status with respect to the transaction. It helps if the welfare recipient has already downed a few beers prior to entering the cab. Thus the initial beer belch can be employed to maximum effect.

One must remember that a belch is a gaseous exudation originating from within the human body. Coming from the stomach this gas becomes a shared commodity once expelled into the confined space of the taxicab. Normally, the driver will regard the sensory impact with disgust. He will then wish to expedite the trip so as to offload the passengers in the shortest time. This, of course, is what every passenger hopes for.

If the driver appears to be a recent immigrant from a third world country be sure to ask him what his nationality is. If he says he is "Canadian" or "American" or whatever the case may be press on with the inquiry by adding, "No... what country are you from originally..." If the driver then replies, "Scotland, where do you think I'm from?" remember this..... there are two kinds of people in this world: Scotsmen and those who wish they were.

When the driver asks where you wish to go be vague in your response. Words like, "drive" and "turn here" are highly effective. Make sure when you tell the driver to turn he is almost past the intersection you want him to turn at. Or make sure he is in the wrong lane to make a legal turn in the correct direction. This puts you in total control because it leaves the driver in a position where nothing he does is correct.

If he does turn then you can accuse him of dangerous driving and demand a hefty discount. On the other hand, if he does not make the turn you can accuse him of taking the "long way around" and demand a hefty discount. See how easy it is?

If you are sitting in the front seat and there happens to be a regular music radio in the car start monkeying around with the controls. It will reinforce your prior demonstration of the importance of your time especially if you are only going for a short run. The driver will interpret this as evidence of your extremely rigorous schedule which limits your opportunities for pleasure radio listening to brief intervals consisting of a series of between-station static bursts and snippets of various broadcasts before finally settling on a favored station for three or four bars of one song before you finally reach your destination.

If you can't reach the controls because you are sitting in the back seat simply ask the driver to do something about the "tunes man!"

Aggravate the driver further by requesting all kinds of additional amenities. Ask him to turn the heat up or down (whichever makes the least sense.) If it's raining and the wipers are operating ask the driver to turn them off. Say it bother's you. If it's twenty degrees below zero (Fahrenheit) outside open the windows. If it's ninety degrees in the shade close the windows if the car has no air conditioning. If it has air conditioning, open the windows.

Ask for a "flat rate," particularly if you are familiar with the run and know in advance how much it will cost. If you know, for example, that the trip runs $4.95 or something like that offer the driver $5 and tell the driver "there, make something for yourself."

If you run into one of those recalcitrant drivers who refuse to accept your "flat rate" advance be sure to inform him that he doesn't know how to make money like a "real driver." Continue on by informing him that because of his failure to cooperate he shall not be getting the generous tip you would have included otherwise.

For the remainder of the trip keep telling the driver how smart he isn't.

Scan the vehicle for any detectable flaws. Most cabs have plenty. Insist the cab is sub standard and demand a significant discount. When you pay the fare give the driver a nickel tip and insist you would have given much more had the cab been up to par.

I have attempted to provide my readers with a few tips on how to take charge when using taxicab transportation. It was never my intention to provide an encyclopedic treatise on the subject. If I have been successful at all I have left the reader with some basic tools. Further practice and experience will doubtless transform the reader into an expert cab rider leading to many truly satisfying cab rides for the enjoyment of my readers and their progeny.

Thank You.

last modified:Wednesday,March 19, 2008 at 04:40