I'm a Canadian!

It's the rare cab driver in the fair city of Hamilton who does not interface in some way with perhaps the nation's most popular beverage; beer. You have beer deliveries, beer parlours, beer guts, beer breath, beer burps and beer farts, beer bottles in the head, beer bottles thrown at the car by extremely well behaved hooligans trying to flag you down, beer stories... "hey driver! I've been drinkin' since last week.", or "hey driver, I just finished off thirty-six beers."

After you have been driving taxi for a while in Hamilton you get rather sick of the whole beer trip. However, on certain rare occasions, there's leverage in the beverage.

I remember being dispatched to a location on James St. just north of Barton one night at about 03:00 am. A sleazy looking woman came staggering out carrying an open case of twenty-four. She asked me to please put it in the trunk. I was only too happy to oblige having already concluded from a preliminary survey of the situation that there might not be any cash in her stash... I don't think she was even carrying a purse. When a woman is not carrying a purse you have to wonder.

Sure enough, before we had driven three blocks she slurrs, "driver, can you stop at a phone?" I was about to reply when she said, "Oh, never mind, he'll have the money." Normally, this is where I stop the car and evict the passenger.... but there was a case of beer in the trunk, and it was almost full. Insurance is a good thing to have.

It was a long trip and the fare was over ten bucks, which was pretty good back in 1990 or so. I still remember the address but I won't include it here - just in case. She asked me to carry the case up to the back door. I didn't answer, thinking only, "I would be glad to, after I get paid. Well, you know the rest.... some scruffy looking character comes out the back door digging around in his pockets and pulls out about a dollar twenty-five. "This is all I have right now.... can you pick up the rest later?"

The problem with "picking up the rest later" is that "later" never happens with these people. If you're dumb enough a cab driver, and I certainly am, to go for this arrangement, you will waste triple the time and gas trying to collect the fare before you give up entirely. And forget about trying to charge for this extra effort.

But I had insurance for this trip, sitting there in my trunk, almost a full case of quality Canadian beer. I told the guy there would be no deal and he had better go find the rest of the money. Knowing when you're drilling a dry hole, I didn't expect the guy to re-emerge from the house with a crisp ten dollar bill. Knowing also that if I stood around waiting there might be violence, having encountered enough non-fare-paying beer drinkers over the years to know that their beer occupies the supreme position their rights heirarchy, and is simply not negotiable at three o'clock in the morning for payment of cab fare.... I took advantage of the opportunity to split the scene.

Minutes later I recieved a call from the dispatcher.... "did you keep a case of beer from that address?" I was asked. "Yes, they had no money to pay the fare." Funny how when they call to complain they always neglect to mention small details like non-payment of the fare. I got no further stress from dispatch. That beer tasted mighty good. Better than most beer!

Sadly though, these small victories are the exception rather than the rule in the cab business. Most of the time the driver loses.

But there was one other occasion upon which I managed to procure some excellent tasting beer.

A man in his fifties and his lady friend entered my cab on Victoria South one Sunday night. They were going to a bar called, "Shuffles", in the city's far east end. When we arrived at Shuffles there was ten dollars on the meter, but the bar was closed. The guy handed me a ten dollar bill, instructed me to turn off the meter, and to drive to a neighbouring bar. I took the ten, but didn't shut off the meter... if the guy wanted to go further I expected to be paid for the additional distance.

The additional fare didn't amount to much... less than a dollar, but cab driving is a tipping business and if a driver starts tipping the customer rather than the other way 'round it can have an impact. So I asked the guy for the extra portion of the fare, hoping that perhaps he might throw me a dollar and say, "keep the change...". Instead he glared at me and said, "Call a cop!"

This prick was smart enough to know I wasn't going to waste time and money getting the cops involved over fifty cents. So I just clenched my jaw and went back fishing for another fare. I got one soon afterwards, a couple of nice women going to the bingo hall. During the conversation I happened to mention the anger I was still feeling over the previous trip when one of the woman told me they had also left a bag of garbage on the floor in the rear of the cab. "Well, that figures," I said when one of the women started checking out the bag.

"It's full of empty beer cans," she said.... then "Wait! They're not empty, they're full!" It turned out he wasn't such a bad guy after all... in fact, he was such a nice fellow he had left me with a six-pack of Molson Canadian.

After I cleared the bingo trip the dispatcher, Jimmy Stokoe, called me on the radio. "Did that trip from Victoria South leave some beer in the car?" he asked, to which I replied with three simple words... "no beer here." Then I tried to send a telepathic message to the guy looking for his beer, "Call a cop you prick!"

After I parked the cab at the end of the shift I told Jimmy what had really happened and gave him a great tasting beer. Sometimes you go home feeling pretty good.

Are you a cab driver? Do you carry a cellphone to get a little extra business directly from your passengers? If so, you may want to get some business cards printed with your cellphone number on them. Click on the banner below for a pretty good deal.

1. Translations.
2. Trust Me.
3. Drive!
4. Stoned Man!
5. I'm a Canadian!
6. Violence.

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last modified:Wednesday,March 19, 2008 at 04:40