Uncle Block's Advice

Uncle Block Replies Dear Bebee,

You have certainly come to the right place with you query. I used to be a lot like you until I became an expert at picking up women. It is true, I used to walk up to women in malls, on the street and in grocery stores. In order to increase my chances of success I utilized other venues as well.... hospitals, office buildings, parking lots, alleys, graveyards and funeral homes.

I found funeral homes to be particularly fertile ground for this adventure. Here's how you do it... start with the funeral home closest to where you live. Check the parking lot out first. If there are no cars there then don't bother going in... you need to go somewhere where people are visiting.

If you come across a parlour where there is some visitation going on enter the premise and pretend you are a relative of the deceased. Pretend you are going into some kind of a fit... roll around on the floor, pull your knees up to your chest and moan a lot. When a nice looking babe walks by say, "Hi," and actaully make a little conversation sometimes. By all means, let your intention be know right off the bat... this will work almost ninety times out of a hundred.

This approach solves your dilemma of "[seeming] to beat around the bush and feel[ing] somewhat ackward about doing a pick-up." You will already be feeling so "ackward" about the scene you pulled on the floor that saying "Hi," will be a no brainer.

Don't worried too much about "look[ing] for a reason to go up to them and justified why [you are] wanting to meet them." A lot of guys want to meet women just to get laid. Just pretend this is what you want too.

You don't have to feel like a con-artist when you walked up to five different women in a day (sometimes in the same area) and try to use the same lines or just pretend they are more special then other women. Everyone has this problem, especially married men. Do the math.. If you walked up to five women and said "hi" and one of them ... er, let's say you walked up to fifty... no five hundred women and said "hi," and one of them asked you to take her home and make love to her. Then all you have to do is approach five hundred women a day and you'll do alright.

Try to use the same lines with every woman you acost... pretend they are more special than other women. Who cares if it's all bullshit. Most women expect men to be full of it anyway.

You mention that since it's on your mind you feel like they know that you are just saying "hi" and that you are doing this to every women you meet. You wonder if this makes any sense. Of course it makes sense because a) you are just saying "hi," and b) you are doing this to every woman you meet. Understand the rate of female gossip. Whenever you say "hi," to a woman all of her friends will hear about it within a few minutes, espacially in these days of cell phones, email and instant messaging. If you approach five hundred women in a day in a city of, say two million inhabitants, you will become famous in about a week.

You will develop a solid reputation as the guy a the mall or funeral parlour who says, "Hi." If you travel a lot your reputation could reach the far corners of continents in a short time. You will soon find yourself being invited to speak to the newsmedia. You will be able to earn money going on talk shows. You could write a book with the ingenius title, "Hi."

Other points:

• try to shower on a regular basis.
• wipe any snot from your nose or drool from your chin or both.
• comb your hair
• if you can afford it, wear nice clothes
• make sure your fly isn't open
• get some treatment for bromidrosis and halitosis right away.
• whenever you get into conversation always create the impression that you make a shitload of money (or, if you prefer some modesty simply say you are a lawyer or a doctor even if it ain't true.)

If none of this advice works for you you may be the kind of person who needs to have a woman assigned by government. If you fall within the latter group it may be time to join an advocacy group, demonstrating at the legislature, writing letters to the editor, blocking traffic, throwing shit around and becoming a general pain in the ass. Eventually your plight will be noticed by someone in the media and a new crisis will be declared. With sufficient news coverage, the crisis will become common knowledge and politicians will begin to take notice. In time, legislation will be passed and you will be assigned a suitable partner.

For more information in this latter solution click here.

last modified:Sunday,January 28, 2007 at 03:12

 
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