Uncle Block's Advice

I've been in a relationship for the past 5 months. Personally I think it's just me being that this is the first "relationship" where we are both mutally exclusive to one another. Anyhow, my problem is that my girl keeps talking about her ex boyfriends. Personally I wouldn't really have that much of a problem with them, since she talks about how they did her wrong and really hung her emotions out to dry. But the fact that she constantly keeps in contact with them and tells me about whats happening new in their lives is whats really bugging me. Now, what they did to her and how that made her feel is one thing, but just their lives in general, I don't care about that. She's honest with me about when she talks to them, how they call her still at 2 or 3 in the morning, she doesn't get into the personal details but it still has me feeling a certain type way. Plus she seems reluctant to inform them that she has a boyfriend unless put into the postion to tell them. Maybe it's just me being paranoid being that this is my first real relationship, but I don't know. Any advice would be helpful on this. Thank you

Ergot Balino,
New York.

Uncle Block Replies:

Well now Ergot, it seems you have got yourself into a bit of a pickle. I think assuming you are "mutually exclusive" to each other needs to be challenged. If she is still carrying on with these former boyfriends then the relationship is only "mutually exclusive" in one direction.

What you need to do is dump her right away. Don't give her a reason, just say "we can still be friends". Then start calling her at 2 or 3 in the morning pretending you just want to talk.

Tell her you are thinking of investing in a 401k. See how she reacts. If the feedback is positive give her more. Tell her your going to grow all your hair back and remove all those trinkets you've got hanging off your nose and ears etc. Do a few cart wheels next time you see her looking at you. Pretend you don't know she's looking.

Start listening to Mantovani and Guy Lombardo. Brush your teeth and start showering once a week too. Eat less salad. This will relieve your flatulence. You may find the whole situation turing around 360 degrees. Join the local chess club. Take up birdwatching. Learn to sew. Needlepoint is also a valuable skill.

Buy a shopping cart from a local grocery store (they only cost about a quarter). Fill it with a bunch of your stuff and tell her you are going to live on the streets for a while to get your shit together, find yourself and save some money.

Do these few simple things and she'll come back on her knees begging for forgiveness.